I have noticed as I've aged that you can be surrounded by people or things and still feel so lonely.

I think I've felt that my entire life...

I have been in a room full of people and feel so out of place that I would prefer to run under the nearest table and hide...

I have been in relationships with family and friends and still feel unloved and unnoticed...

The alone feeling is the worst because you feel like when you were young you were so busy being a child that you didn't notice...

Then when you became an adult and into parenthood you were too busy with raising children, careers and other adult things to notice...

Romance and intimate partnerships start to wane...

And now as middle age and the empty nest is upon me, I sense the most of loneliness...

How many days run together to turn into a weekend past...  still to maintain the same monotony day in and day out...

Routines become the norm with only minor exceptions of a short visit from a child or extremely rare, a loved one not seen in years, a home improvement task to be assumed, a weekend out of town on a once in a year outing...

The ever occurring bug in your brain keeps telling me to change every bit of it...

I have the chance...

I could run to her whims... I could be in the box she wants to put me in just so I can be with her every day...

I know it would never be the way I want it to be with her unless by some miracle I could convince her and show her how wonderful it could be...

But she already gets on my nerves as I'm sure I get on hers...

When I am away from her, when I think of her, I feel so much... it's like it was back in the day with HIM...

The anticipation was so much more dreamy, satisfying, than the reality of it all...

Again it is the "IDEA" of her that appeals to me... the out of my reach, elusiveness of her... that brings me to my knees...

The real things in my face or drama and reality do not appeal to me.. the monotonous jealousy and inquiries of her time... that is not something I look forward to as it makes me insane...

So I stay lonely I suppose... just like everyone else... a room full of people, things, activities, delights... probably best left alone...

Leaves the phrase "the grass is not always greener on the other side" that much more relevant...

Peace

Denise