I could spit nails right now...

I am so fucking angry, I woke up this morning and I was dreaming about this woman, I have been moping around like a sick puppy licking my wounds because I'm in so much agony...

I sent her a final message that I was done... and at the time I swore I was... I blocked her number and I felt good and confident and then last night went to bed tossing and turning and finally woke to some dream of her that I can't even remember now... walked around all day feeling like I could burst out crying at any moment...

I have got to get a fucking grip... Of course I unblocked her earlier in the evening and even ignored two texts from her...

one asking me "if I was still mad at her"... the gall of her ass...

still mad? Yeah I'm still fucking mad... I run around for the last months doing every fucking thing I can do to get you to realize that I am here and you keep sending me one word replies to my long expressive texts and phone calls to you... or even completely ignoring me altogether...

fuck you...

why am I doing this to myself... as history shows perfectly clear even in these past posts over these years, I must love chaos and unobtainable people...

what am I doing?

I tried so hard.. and then I sent a text... she responded and then... nothing from her...

does she not even realize how much it took for me to even send that text to her?

of course not because I am dealing with a person who isn't emotional.. she has ZERO feelings...

she has not one time.. NOT ONCE sent a smiley face.. a stupid email card... anything... anything at fucking all to show me gratitude or even decent human respect...

she is a self involved cunt...

ok I gotta get a grip..

I am angry because she is better at this game than I am? 

I begged her not to respond to me.. I begged myself not to bother with her again...

I hate myself for wasting one precious moment on this ludicrous situation..

WHAT THE FUCK DID I EXPECT? she told me straight up she wasn't into this.. well in my defense I have to admit I thought this was a game where she had to maintain her "straightness" attitude and though she said "I don't sway that way" it simply meant...

I don't sway now but I could be persuaded... so I kept trying to change her mind...

it's me... I'm the stupid one...

why couldn't she just say...

girl we've known each other for 30 years.. I'm so flattered you have a crush on me and I am not totally against the notion.. I just don't sway that way.. YET...

instead I'm met with ambivalence... avoidance... disregard...

I have never met another human that doesn't give a rats ass as much as this chick...

and what the hell was I going on about the "L WORD" out of the blue on my last post? except for the fact that the show is about lesbians I have no idea why I chose to put it right dab in the middle of my stupid rant last night...

this bitch and her high and mighty attitude can suck my dick...

that's it..

tomorrow should it come shall be better... time heals... watch me get the "i'm sorry I got your text this morning, I fell asleep" bullshit again in the morning...

what the fuck do I do...  my heart says run.. my brain says get the fuck gone... but something else.. god knows what else.. says... let's play some more with this raging mania and see how really fucked up it can become...