I have to write. It's ingrained in me. Even though it's been a long time, I still seem to have stuff I need to write and analyze over in my mind...

Strange I started this back in 2005... SO LONG AGO...

My latest drama is with a woman I've known since I was 16 years old.  We were best friends- Over the years, we have always been able to pick up the phone and continue where we left off even if years have went by...

Basically the history is that as we grew up we drifted apart and then met up again when we became roommates in our young adult lives.

That only lasted a couple years... 

Little did I know we'd meet up again.

I realize now that She's always been there!

I moved in with her and her husband down in Florida back in the early nineties...

Eventually we both moved back to Georgia, I got married and moved to South Carolina and she moved to Indiana.

I saw her once or twice whenever she came to visit her family, if I happened to be in town, but about 12 years passed before we saw each other again...

She moved back home to Georgia in 2014, and I've spent time with her 4 times thus far...

Meanwhile, I have divorced, raised two children, and still with Sergio we just passed 9 years...

So this last couple times, something has changed within me...

I'm in love with her!

Did I just say that out loud? I mean, how did this happen? I knew I had always had a girl crush on her but in love?

Nah, this can only end in disaster!

It would never in a million years work...

but damn, can't we just have an affair? I don't want to live with her, I can't live with her and she definitely couldn't put up with my shit on a long term basis...

She's this tiny petite 5"6 woman who is really pretty even though I hate her as a blonde these days, she used to have dark beautiful just above the shoulders hair that made me crazy...

but as every fine looking woman I've met, she has very low self-esteem, and watch out because she is a real bitch when she wants to be. typical also...

She has serious Obsessive control issues and isn't a people person...

Then there's me--5"11, a giant who weighs probably almost 3 times as much as she does!

basically only Ok-- in the looks department-- if I fix myself up--but rarely do...

I'm controlling, domineering and cocky as hell to most people in my life.

Except....

When I am face to face with her!

I become a very insecure doubtful of all thoughts and actions and assume the very worse scenarios in the few circumstances in which we've been in contact.

I am fawning over her like a little puppy, begging her to let me do nice things for her and never do I have the balls to approach an intimate level with her for fear she will freak out well also excluding the fact she'd probably slap the shit out of me if I tried to cop a feel...

Yet on text messages watch out, cause I have the audacity to blurt out every thought I have ever had in regards to her.

I can't get much back from her though...

It drives me batty as hell... I write stuff to her in every type of font or pretty logo and damn the fucking emoticons, smiley faces and other fussy stuff I download to get her attention...

None of that shit works either...

I know she loves me as her friend and yet I have always been the type of person that doesn't accept the word NO...

It's fun as shit to play this game of seduction... it's just not satisfying to not get much reaction from her about it... I've played plenty of this before and always got positive reaction which in turn always feeds my ego... But I got it bad for her because I know every single thing about her, I think the familiarity is what makes it the most interesting...

I keep telling her she better step up her game... she ignores it and just laughs at my silliness...

I think we've digressed because she's been feeding me one word replies lately when she used to be a little more engaged in our chat conversations...

What's hilarious is we get on the phone and I feel awkward as shit...

Scrambling my brain for shit to talk about..

I"ll be running through my mind

"ok did you ask about the weather?" check..

did you feed her compliments? Check...

Did you inquire on her family members.. Check.. Did you talk about the dog? check...

The Cat? check...

oh what about what she ate for lunch or dinner.. CHECK... CHECK... CHECK...

I'm worthless... NO GAME INDEED!

anyway, guess that's it for now.. did I mention flowers and jewelry haven't done anything either?

Hey at least I'm still a romantic...  More later...