always looking back

Isn't it amazing how life seems to get you back for all the bad shit you've ever done in your life...

One of my favorite scriptures in the bible is "WHATEVER IS DONE IN THE DARK WILL COME TO LIGHT"

It is so friggin true...

I hate to mention the bible in one breath and nastiness in the next but with the latest thing of Tiger Wood's indiscretions it really shocked me yet I should have realized... A Man is a man...

All of those text messages he sent...

yes she should have known what she was doing and yes if she thought she was going to somehow make her life dramatically different by being his "slut" she was totally mistaken...

but I actually lived that...

Definitely not that glamorous but I once was so wrapped up with "HIM" that I became his "SLUT"... I thought I loved him so much that any moment of his attention I could get from him was the greatest aphrodisiac on the planet... It didn't matter that I would come visit him and only be able to have 2 hours for a whole day... It didn't matter that he was lying the whole time and yet so friggin charming I believed everything that dripped out of his satanistic tongue... It didn't matter that I saw absolutely nothing wrong with MY BEHAVIOR...

I meant I was going to be with him at all cost...


I also lost...

What's so awful... So horrible to even admit...

The hurt I felt over losing him was the worst thing in my life I had ever experienced... More so even than my husband leaving me for another woman...

It's sick... It's perverted... I hated myself for so long for it...

Wanna know the absolute most patheticness of all humanity?

I still think of him often...

He still invades my sleep... I still hear the sound of his voice or rather what I think is his voice when I'm out and about...

I'll run into people in random places and I swear they look just like him or they have a characteristic that matches his so much that I ache...

So utterly useless and such a waste of braincells... but no matter what I do or try to do... It stays with me always...

I guess it's my sin to carry with me forever... To be haunted forever...

irregardless... Life still left to live...

Peace...

Denise