The following was a post I created a while back in May of 2009... It was exactly how I was feeling at the time.

I think for Bi-polar people this is how it can be sometimes... Manic stages of highs and then deep states of depression lows...

But Today it's Sunday January 24th, 2010 and... I'm OK!!!

I'm in a stage right now of mostly crying and it all started with earlier having dinner with sergio. I'm not really sure how it leaked in but we walked into the restaurant and as we got to our table I felt an urgency from him to pull away from me. It was the strangest vibe and lately that is what I have been feeling from him. I am not at my best to say the least at this moment in my life, I am probably about 265 pounds, I recently quit smoking a little over a month ago and yet I didn't have that feeling that I had in earlier years where I felt so low on myself that I was I was undoubtedly sure no one could be capable of loving someone like me. Now suddenly tonight that old feeling is here? Maybe it's been here for a while. I don't know. I know I haven't had the depression I used to have ever since I got Sergio in my life. Alot of shit is happening with Keith and maybe it has a big part to do with all of this too. After the restaurant I came home to look at pictures of my children in different stages of their life. Of course I see my "Husband" who in my opinion will always be even though we have long since divorced and he has been with someone else since 2003. I couldn't help thinking as I viewed the pictures of him, how absolutely beautiful he was and how much in love with him I was. I always have it in the back of my mind and buried deep within my soul and heart that we could have made it. How much I hate all the negative shit that tore us apart. If we could have made it how different our lives would have been and how different my children's life would have been. Oh how I wish I could go back and change things. Fix them in some way. I wish I would have never went on the internet to chat with men back in the early 2000's. I wish Brett would have never went back to drinking. I wish he never would have started back up with Dana and that I didn't have to be such a bitch and nag so much. He was my first love and he always will be I guess. I know God was there somewhere. We had such an amazing few years. Oh hell maybe I'm glamorizing it and perhaps it was just a shitty life we had. I remember having the babies and my husband and being happy. I remember living in our little tiny trailer in Georgia and then greed set in and I asked him if he wanted to move to his hometown where we could get a piece of the action from his well-off family. I honestly think that is what I thought about and I think that was the beginning of our demise. It doesn't really matter now but every single person in our 4-person family was affected by our break-up whether we choose to see it or not. My daughter and I hardly ever speak, She's 13 years old and I bet I haven't the first clue on any of her life. My son and his father do not speak at all. Keith is so far removed from his father and his sister that it is absurd. A family breaking apart is the worst thing that can ever happen. I look to his drinking and our breakup as a blessing for that because of being able to not be around that anymore. Just as I am sure he is so glad he doesn't have to listen to my mouth anymore. I bitch that is what women do. Show me a woman that doesn't bitch and I guarantee it is because she is single and doesn't have anyone to bitch at or else her husband/sig other hasn't done anything stupid lately. I know my bitching was strictly used to punish STUPID activities. If you do something stupid I'm going to bitch about it. Anyway I don't even know why I'm writing this post except they always say if you can write when you are feeling sad then that is better than taking some pills or something even more drastic to just end it and be done with all of the pain and discontentment.

Peace Denise