Here's a little story about a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer that barely kept his family fed... OOPS sorry! Trying to get geared up for writing on here...
What they say about if you don't use it you lose it is soooo true... I don't have anything in me to write... I can't seem to finish any of my short stories at all even though I have them all bundled within my mind... I just can't get them down in words...
Well, It's Christmas 2009... I flew out to see my kids in Texas at the beginning of the month thinking I would go home to Savannah over the holidays since "the ex" said they weren't going to be coming this way... It's was a nice time and "Step Ma" was really nice to me... She is a good woman I just wish she could see through him... Oh well none of my business, as he said, "we were done a long time ago"... I have to admit though, when I looked at him sometimes while I was there, I had to look away or else she would be able to tell that I still love him... I still think he is the most beautiful man in the world just as I did when I met him when I was 17 years old...
UGHHH... enough... I'm glad that he found his way in life... and I somewhat have found mine... I suppose...
wow I can't believe how cynical I am these days...
You want the truth? I'm so unhappy I could just slap the next person that walks by...
I put on a huge facade at my job because who the hell wants to really listen to other's problems? I mean we have these 2 people at work and that's all they do all day is whine and complain about their lives that the co-workers literally walk away whenever they are around... it's that bad.. I don't want to be that person...so I just don't discuss too much of my shit at work period...
Then we have my home life... I care so much for Sergio, I really do... but he lives in one side of the house and I live in the other... We don't have a life together at all... I resent coming home to him most everyday... Isn't that just plain awful? I am sure he thinks the same of me... I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO END IT...
I swear it's not like there is anything different that I want out there, I just know that living day after day in this routine is killing me...
OK I GOTTA RANT...
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THAT AFTER 3 YEARS OF A RELATIONSHIP THE PASSION, ROMANCE, AFFECTION HAVE TO VANISH?
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY...
I'M MORE THAN WILLING AND ABLE TO "put it on him"... IF HE WOULD JUST LET ME...
I KNOW HE HAD HEART SURGERY 6 MONTHS AGO BUT STILL...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A LIE AND THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING...
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE...
HE HAS NO DESIRE TO CHANGE...
WHEN I ASK HIM TO TALK TO ME AND LET'S WORK IT OUT OR WE MAY AS WELL JUST END IT..HE JUST SAYS "ok" WE'RE ENDED...
IT'S ALL ONE BIG JOKE TO HIM...
I SENT HIM A BEAUTIFUL GIFT BASKET TO HIS WORK... I TRY AND DO LITTLE THINGS TO SHOW HIM THAT HE MEANS SOMETHING TO ME...
I GET NOTHING IN RETURN...
I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN MONTHS... IS IT WRONG TO WANT TO STILL HAVE A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP? JUST BECAUSE I'M 40 MEANS I'M ALL DRIED UP NOW OR SOMETHING?
WHEN I TALK TO OTHER GUYS THEY DON'T SEE ME AS ALL DRIED UP...YET, I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I AM WANTED OR DESIRED IN THE SLIGHTEST BY SERG...
HE SAYS, "we're older now, we're not teenagers anymore'.. SEX JUST DOESN'T MEAN AS MUCH TO HIM AS IT DOES ME...
I DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT TO DO... I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE...
But then... I think of the alternative... I know all of this man's shit... his ways of doing things, at least he does put the seat up when he takes a piss, he will do the dishes and take out the trash... he doesn't drink or beat up on me...
GOLLY YOU'D THINK I WOULD WAIT TIL AFTER THE HOLIDAYS FOR SUCH A CRAPPY POST...
Well, for what's it's worth...
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Denise
No comments:
Post a Comment