A woman just came into my office...
Long black hair and jet black eyes... She had some really long sexy fingers and though I hadn't had any girl on girl thoughts lately, seeing her today made me think again just how beautiful women really are...
My gaydar was turned on and I knew we both were communicating subconsciously to each other because we are one of a kind... She is a practicing lesbian and I'm a wanna be...
So...
Folks, if I am so in love with "S", then why in the hell am I still thinking such freaky things?
It is beyond me and it makes me feel like I just don't have it in me to be monogamous even though every pore in my body is craving stability and security that only a true love relationship between a man and woman can give... (COUGHHHH.. ooh scuse me.. had something in my throat)...
I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't notice "Big Daddy" in the gym yesterday... I think he made it a point to come to my view because he was at the back with the weights and then as soon as I parked my ass on the bike, he came over to the pulley weights so I guess he could look at the mirror and catch me looking at him...
Speaking of "Big Daddy", he sent me an email yesterday after we didn't speak to each other for a few days...
him: hi
me: aweeee, I needed that today
him: bad day?
me: It's monday and I'm bored
him: sounds like a song
me: ha ha, good one, how are you?
him: busy.. work work work... killin me
me: is that normal for this time of year or will it slow down in the fall?
him: nah just projects going on I suspect it will slow down in a few months
me: wow, that's not til christmas...
him: you ready to fly out?
me: yes Thursday kids will meet me for the weekend
him: I need a massage before you go
me: mmmhmmm I hear ya
him: Oh that's right forgot about your new man
I left for lunch after that and didn't see a need to reply back... He was as I said, at the gym today and after doing the last of his routine came over and spoke to me for a minute about nothing really except that work was crazy and then asked me how my side of the building was doing... Then he went on to the locker room and got his things and waved goodbye...
I know I was at one time so fixated on him y'all, but looking at him yesterday I didn't feel anything like I once did... I mean he's still a good looking man with a nice smile, but I am not addicted anymore...
Which is so aggravating because it leads me to believe that my feelings for someone are not real...
I mean how in the world can I have "LOVED" all these men this past year and yet here I am again supposedly "IN TOTAL LOVE" with another one...
I don't want to keep doing this...
I want it to be for real... I want to know that what I feel for someone is LOVE not just lust, or desperation, or loneliness...
I mean all this energy I once had for "sick guy"... Then for "D"... Then for "Big Daddy" and now for "S"...
Which one did I love? Did/Do I love any of them?
How do you really know?
Ok how's this... If I am to be 100% truthful... In two days, when I look into "S"'s eyes and I choose to stay with him for 5 days and I share my body, my mind and my soul with him during that time, then this is the man that I choose to love and I profess that I will love only him in the manner for which is shared between a man and a woman...
For how long I guess is up to both of us...
Damn, I am so negative... I mean I hope forever... But in my past y'all I can't help it... I cannot be miserable nor make another man miserable again in my life...
Ok I'm done...
2 days.. can you friggin believe it?
I'm scareddddddd shitless...
Oh I forgot to tell y'all what we argued about...Oh well, It doesn't matter because we keep shoving it under the rug and moving on...I'm certain this will be bugging me in the future but for now I'm deliriously happy!
God's Peace!
Denise
ps: Ya know, y'all send me emails about big daddy, and stuff, about how I'm a slut, but y'all never email me about the pictures of my kids I posted... Aren't they beautiful?
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