The Demon has intruded once again...

Such has been the way of "Big Daddy" and I... to go for weeks at a time with only a casual hello or wave of the hand to one another...

From a distance a stranger looking upon us would never know what has been shared between us in the past...

Though we have unfinished business, I have moved on to someone much different than he and with an ability to give me a future of complete happiness...

For weeks now, "S" has been the only thing on my mind... Constantly in my thoughts and heart...

I thought that would be the case forever...

but yesterday...

The Devil knocked at my door...

As much as I wish I could say I didn't answer, I cracked the door and his stench entered the room...

You are yelling now at me to get on with it aren't you... Ok...

Emails pass occasionally between me and "T" <--Big daddy...

Yesterday's email:

me: a joke sent
him: what's going on?
me: not much whatchu know good?

afternoon passes... 4:25pm

him: I just got back into the office... just now eating lunch...
me: I gotcha... Well I hope you have a good night (knowing he usually leaves before 5pm)
him: I have training tonight. Will be here until 10:00
me: wow
him: I have a little break between 5 and 6
me: oh I see
him: see what?
me: I mean I comprehend
him: coming by?


All these weeks with no physical contact folks... My complete obsession with this man coming back to me like a flood of waves...

"S" having just called me and waiting for my return call moving from the office to me calling him on my cell as I head to the gym...

I panic... I justify it over and over in my mind...

"S" won't know... He's 1000 miles away... I remember the instant thrill of attention that satisfies me after a "session" with "T"...

I turned off my phone... knowing "S" would call me, somehow sensing I was in trouble ...

I ate my normal "before walking down to "T"'s office breath mint...

Suddenly every memory of "S" flashed in my mind...

Like a movie... scenes... laughter... emotions... Love... Real Love...

My heart beating 1000 beats a minute...

Would I turn to the east hallway to "T" knowing what was waiting for me... Knowing that this with him is easy and uncomplicated... I can't get hurt... He won't leave me because he could never be mine on a permanent basis to begin with...

Raging argument within my brain...

Faltering...

5 minutes pass...

I walked West... WHAT?...

Yes I am seeing life clearly, It's "S"'s arms I want around me... It's his smile I see greeting me with so much love... His desire for me that will never waver...

I walked straight to my Jeep...

I turned on my phone...

I called "S"...Smiling softly when I hear his voice...

I told him what happened... He told me to write it down... encouraged it... to be read to me by him as we have done lately on a lot of my prior posts...

He knows my hidden addiction... He knows my drug of choice...

I think he knew I'd do the right thing... He believes in me when I don't believe in myself...

HE IS LOVE...

I AM IN LOVE...

Thank you God in heaven for showing me the way back to the right path even though I lose my way so many times in this life...

God's Blessings to you!

Denise