Today started out being great... I had a lot to do to keep busy and that is always a good thing because I can't stand to sit around and do nothing... I go insane if I am left with no tasks to do...
Had lunch with "new friend"... She and I caught up with one another about events since our last chat and then went our separate ways, her to the research room and me back to my desk...
During our conversation, She had asked about "big daddy" and if anything new had happened with him... I told her no and that I had to get off of him because it was a complete dead end...
This afternoon actually made it a lot easier... In fact I came home and while the kids were watching their afternoon shows, I closed my door and cried my eyes out...
Sucks doesn't it... Anyway what happened was that I had not seen him all day today and actually I never know if he is at work or has taken the day off now that we do not talk anymore unless I happen to see him on my side of the building...
When I got to the gym, his truck was there... UGHHHHH... I hung my head on the steering wheel dreading going in...
It's really one of those feelings where you swear you don't want to deal with the rejection of him, or the excitement of him just being in your presence... But then again, you wouldn't miss going in to where he is for all the money in the world...
That's how I feel every time...
Today he was on the weights in the back and I was easily able to go to the locker room without meeting his gaze... When I came out he was lying flat on the weight bench and concentrating so I know he didn't see me come out...
I got on the bike and started my 3 miles... At one point he comes to do the weight pulleys which are close to me near the front of the gym... He smiles at me saying "hello" and I smile a "Hey, how are you" back to him... That's it....
I had a great view of him but he'd be able to see me in the mirror facing him if I was watching, so I didn't dare look too much at him today... After a few minutes he went on to the locker room, got his stuff and waved a goodbye to me...
OH MY GOD!... Talk about ripping my heart out... No lingering around to talk, No invitation to email or even a "Talk to ya later"... IT WAS GUT WRENCHING...
I almost choked up in tears right on the bike but I controlled myself and after two miles instead of my normal three, I got the fuck out of dodge... I jumped in my truck and headed towards the karate school to pick up the kids... Then the tears came... I had about 8 minutes before I get off of the connector to where the children are and for that 8 minutes... I BALLED!...
You have to pay a toll to have access on this road, I didn't have the exact dollar in change to just throw into the bucket and go on, so with my eyes streaming fat tears down my face, my nose red and dripping snot, I pulled up to pay my 1.00 fare... I tried to straighten up before I got there, but the little guy there saw me crying...
him: "are you okay.. What's the matter?"
me: "yeah I'm okay, just having a bad day"
him: "well it will be better tomorrow"
me: "I certainly hope so"... I smiled faintly and drove away...
So here I am after having a good cry, and I do feel better...
I realize that this thing with "big daddy" is just a silly school girl crush but I honestly am more angry at myself than anything because I can't seem to just GROW THE FUCK UP AND ACT MATURE... I am certain that women my age do not act in this childish manner and I shouldn't either...
Peace!
Denise
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