Tuesday...

from where I left off,

We'll talk about "big daddy" first... So seeing him or rather being in the same vicinity of him at the store was hard, wishing that we could talk, be friends or something... I reminisced about him for a while and then I got back into my regular routine of not seeing him and it eased up...

But then...

After all these weeks of him not being there, and then of course before that, somehow always able to avoid each other at the office,(quite easily done since he works at the other end of the building) We saw each other Monday morning...

I was coming down the hall heading back to my department and there he was... I had been holding some paperwork and I had forgotten to take off my glasses... (I look so GEEKY and usually only have them on when staring into the computer screen) but here I was reading a document and walking when I looked up and caught him coming my way...

"OHHHH SHIT"... Mannnn my heartbeat jumped up to I know 1000 beats a minute... I immediately looked back at my paper all the while thinking... God I know he was wondering if he was going to be verbally attacked by me when I got closer... But no, I was a good girl, held myself in check and tried with all my might to just walk by him but at the last second I looked at him and he said with a voice I had never heard out of him... "Hey Denise"... It was such a solemn quiet but seemed full of emotion "hey" from him... I just smiled shyly and said "hey" .. And we walked on by...

I OF COURSE RAN TO MY OFFICE, LOOKED IN THE MIRROR I KEEP IN MY DESK DRAWER AND MADE SURE I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING DANGLING OUT OF MY NOSE OR ANYTHING AND THEN I SMIRKED... CAUSE DAMN .... I THINK I ACTUALLY LOOKED GOOD AT THAT MOMENT SO I HOPE HE HAD THOUGHT THE SAME... and I think he did cause he came for another glance later on but I'll get to that...

When I first noticed him walking towards me y'all, the first thing I thought to myself was...

MY GOD THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN!!

I didn't go out of my way that day to see if I could see him somewhere, but he was on my mind for the rest of the afternoon... At 5, I left and went on to the gym...

As I am walking out of the locker room, I run smack dab into him... THAT DEVIL!
First he tells me "GO CLEAR YOUR HEAD" and slams the phone in my face, and yet... here he comes back into my "WORLD" so to speak, looking better than ever...

I know he's playing a game with me... He had to have seen my vehicle, he knows I am at the gym Monday thru Thursday at 5:30... He did it on purpose y'all... So I look up at him, shocked as shit that he's there, and he says... "Whatcha doing?"... Smiling that beautiful smile... All I could do was glance up at him.. smile and say "Hey, how are you doing?" (praying he couldn't see that I was about to faint if he tried to hold a conversation)...

I walked on by him and went and got on the bike... DO Y'all know what HE DID? he gets dressed, and comes and parks his ass on the bike next to me...

For a few moments y'all, you could have heard a pin drop (even with all the noise going on) but for me... All I felt was panic that he'd say something and when I tried to answer my tongue would explode, I'd spit, I'd puke, Fart, or something as equally tramatic.. He said a few things... But who the hell knows what... because if I looked at him all I could do was stare at his eyes and lips... I reciprocated the best I could while acting like I was reading a magazine, then when it got quiet again between us I busted out with that joke I wrote on my last post...

We discussed nothing of the past, we discussed nothing really... But DAMNIT BOY I WANTED HIM TO.. I kept praying he'd just say something with meaning but NOPE... so after a few more idle things, I finished my 3 miles, got up, put my mag back on the table and went to the machines to finish my routine...

And of course y'all know me, and you know I kept checking him out... I think he knew it but shit I couldn't help it, and if he was checking on me too, he sure as hell kept it from me...

When I was done, he was on one of the weight pulley things, and I walked to the exit which just happened to be eye level with him, I looked at him and I think he said, "Where you going?"... I just smiled and said, "See you later"... and walked out the gym... GOD THAT WAS HARD AS HELL... SO MUCH I WANNA SAY... SO MUCH I WANNA HEAR FROM HIM... But.. It wasn't happening... It probably never will...

Why? why when he knew I was going to be there did he show his ass up there? I ask you folks, isn't it a game he's playing? or do you think he is such a man that I never even entered his mind when he came in to do his workout? I should let it be known that since our argument and email where I told him I would not bother him anymore, he had yet to step into that gym when I was there... WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? Oh well, I didn't see him at work, and he wasn't there today so... maybe I never even was thought of...

Ok.. so...

I met two guys... YES I DID.. One is 47 and very gruff and constantly likes to boast of his accomplishments... "When I lived in Europe blah blah"....(Who gives a shit mister!) I'm thinking no on him folks...

but the other one...

We'll call him (quiet guy)

He is 43... sweet southern North Carolina border accent, good looking, been at his job for 20 years, and has been single for 5 years... Well.. that was his last relationship anyway...

Y'all did you hear me?

This guy hasn't dated for 5 years...

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HE HASN'T BEEN LAID IN FIVE YEARS...

MY GOD IF WE WERE TO ACTUALLY GET INTO SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP... It's gonna be like that movie 40 days and 40 nights where they stay in the bedroom for like 3 days straight only getting up for food and bathroom... OK.. lemme calm down and try to proceed...(fanning myself and giggling)

So... I know what you are thinking.. "Denise he's lying, if he has all that going for him, no woman would have left him alone for 5 years... I thought so too.. but here's the thing...

His 19 year old son died in a car crash a little over a year ago and since that time he has been basically in a shell since that happened... Understandable right?...

Before that, he says that after his divorce (he came home and found her in their bed with someone).. he was really hurt and torn up for a long time.. like a few years, then he met a girl, they started something up, but because she didn't have kids, she wasn't used to having to share her man to his children... He said when she started harping that if he wanted to spend more time with her he would have to spend less time with his sons... Well, that didn't play so...

Here we are five years later in 2006 and "IN WALKS DENISE"...

No, I don't have a clue what's gonna happen... He lives three hours away...

He plays chess as a tournament player so we've been having "online dates" on cam, talking on the cell and playing chess on yahoo... (isn't that just so sweet?)... At first he was anxious for us to meet in person but I told him that I don't date anyone while my kids are here...

he relented and said that at least it would give us time to get to know one another... So for the last 2 nights, I've been playing chess (miserably)... getting my ass whipped, but having the time of my life because he is sooooo sweet (Thus Far)... I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to go slow, and I'm trying to not find a "BUT" on this one...

I guess we'll see...

Be well...

"i still miss "married man/big daddy"...i know, I can't help it...