Dear Journal

It's after 2am... I'm sitting at my desk drinking coffee because I couldn't sleep and trying to decide how best to write this particular post...

Monday was not exactly the best of days...

It started out with me being a little happy because after waiting all weekend I could now get back to communicating with "married guy"... (yes... married guy)... plus not to mention the fact that I was on time to work today which is so very rare...

My morning glee didn't last long because my co-worker and I got into a fight today... No not a fist fight or anything, but a fight nonetheless...

Long story short, she found herself in a position to try and bark some orders to me and I didn't take kindly to it... I've never had any problems with her before and this was a bit of a shock to say the least...

In my normal fashion, I always go to the source and try and work my differences out with them but in this instance, she didn't seem to want to go that route so I requested my superior's mediation services to get this argument settled once and for all... So at the end of the day, we went into her office and basically had a word match whereby her dispute with me was that "I ACT SMARTER THAN I ACTUALLY AM"... yes I did quote that and that is indeed what she said...

Now I find this quite amusing considering all of my life I've always come across as acting "Dumber" than I actually am...

Anyway, we continued our fighting match in my boss's office and I finally told her that it was true that I do have confidence in my ability to do my job and if that is "ACTING SMARTER THAN I ACTUALLY AM" then I am guilty as charged... She said that while I do act in this way, she has no problems with me if she needs my help with anything and completely trusts that I will get the job done and that I could concur with my boss (sitting in silence watching us) that she doesn't trust easily when it comes to another person dabbling in her work so I should feel special in that regard...

I was at a loss because what I was basically hearing from her was;

"Denise I think you aren't as smart as you come across, but I trust you completely with any of my work".... this seemed quite like an oxymoron if you ask me....

I mean who would assign something to someone that didn't think they were competent enough to do it right? It's beyond me...

We made our peace, we hugged and agreed to leave it where it stood in our boss's office, and I'll admit I walked out with a huge hunk of ill will towards her but after thinking about it for hours on end, because that is what I do... I analyze something to death until I work it out in my mind... I came to the conclusion that while she might have a personal conflict with my "attitude", she actually said that I was more than good enough in her book.... So I'm cool with it...

What's really the oddest thing about this is that my boss (same one that listened to us) is going to be retiring pretty soon from what I've heard, and of all the people in my office of 36 men and women, I've always regarded "co-worker" as the one that would be best suited to take her place...

She is quick, she is highly intelligent, and she's biased enough that I think she would make that office run as good as it has been with the present two bosses we have now... I faltered in that belief for a while today, but as I sit here now, I still think that she is the best person for that job... especially considering the alternatives to choose from... I really like everyone in my office, but they've all been there so long that they are retiring age just like my present boss and since I am low man on the totem pole, I kinda want someone in office that will be there for a while for us to retire together...

Hell, I might be wrong about her, she might be a terrible boss... but like I said, she is one of those people whom I've seen in action and she doesn't take any bunk off of anyone... customers included... But I think she would be fair to the employees and not be predjudice towards a select few within our office...

On the homefront, I've been praying for God to let me loose of this scheme of things I have in mind as far as "married man" is concerned...

I still want to be good friends with him, but I do not want to cross any lines with him... To be quite HONEST, I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO HELL.... I'm halfway there, and if I don't straighten up I have a one way ticket....

I don't know what the future holds, as I have constantly posted... But for today, I'd love to be able to get some sleep... I want peace that it doesn't matter that I'm missing "D".. I want peace that it doesn't matter that I'm lonely... I want peace that it doesn't matter that I received my final decree of divorce today (the one that gets filed and signed by the judge), I want peace that it doesn't matter if I act smarter than I really am because I hope actually that we all do.... and most of all, that the things that I don't have within my power to control in life, God will handle and that if I hold steadfast to good honest things, then someday I will get all the desires of my heart...


God's Sincere Peace To You...



Denise


Search: fruits of the spirit