Tis Life...

Life really has a way of turning around on a day to day basis...

My best friend who just filed for divorce and has been living a life of a single mother for the last year, is now allowing "ex roommate" (her estranged spouse) to worm his way in.. His Words: "It took you serving me with the divorce papers to realize that I still love you" I think she might actually try and work things out with him...

I believe in her and I know she is a strong woman that isn't going to let him screw her up again, but he is very good at manipulating women to get what he needs...

If he can get real and make things work for the sake of my best friend and her son then of course I'm all for it, but I'm scared for my friend that she might get hurt...

But then there's me: Well there's always been me...

IT IS ALL ABOUT ME:

I was reading my diary of this time last year, I was totally wrapped up with "him" and I was having a first date with some guy I had met online... The guy online was nice, but after a short dinner and movie with him, we went our separate ways and I never spoke to him again... and now one year later we have "Boyfriend"...

He is not the one for me... I really wanted him to be, I whined, bitched, pressured, and manipulated the relationship to try for it to be..

His words to me last night were.. and I quote: "I told you Saturday Night you could come see me, but no, you had to dig at me to make it more time"...

Excuse the hell outta me...What couple wouldn't want to squeeze in as much time together as they could when the opportunity presents itself?

All I said was that I could get a hotel for Saturday AND Sunday that way we could hang out Sunday after he got off of work... he said he was fine with it.. but then he changes his mind and threw it all on me that I knew his little girl was getting her tonsils out and basically I should have known it was a bad weekend..

I was totally at a loss when he said that because I had told him previously to go ahead and tell me if he needed to focus on his daughter and cancel on the weekend plans.. but HE SAID: "no she will be at her mom's, it will be fine"..


I guess my head knew better than my heart on this because before this all happened, Thursday night I went over to "forgot what I named him" the guy who has the brain tumor...and... I fucked him... It was just a fuck which I don't know exactly what I thought would be different about it... I guess I was trying to take revenge on "boyfriend" for not giving me the attention I crave so badly.. I knew when I went what was going to happen... I tested myself and I failed... I didn't want to think about "boyfriend", but he was totally on my mind and the same phrase kept going through my head "why are you doing this, you really do love him.. I hurriedly left and cried all the way home.. But it doesn't matter because it is a sign that I am not right within myself..

What was so freaky was that "boyfriend" is never awake after 11pm and just as I logged online around 1am, he jumps on..

IT WAS LIKE HE KNEW WHAT I HAD DONE.. I wanted to tell him right then and there..

but I didn't.. and then on Friday when he was so mean to me, I told him..

Well, I told him that I went over there and of course he threw uglies to me that he'd find out one way or the other if I had sex with him... Telling me that if I loved him at all I wouldn't have went over there and he's exactly right...

I guess I just wanted to be loved and love someone so much that I forced boyfriend and me together no matter what.. but I've known it will never work out with us since I saw exactly what type of person he is.. I kept hoping that he'd soften but he never would...

So I guess subconsciously I knew what I was doing Thursday would be found out eventually by him and it most definitely was going to put an end to us, which I knew I would never be able to do on my own because I do love him in my sick way. It's like I did this on purpose so he'd end it with me because I hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve to be happy... it's psychotic... crazy.. Sad...

Hell it's all sad..

I was sooooo wrapped up with being in love these last few weeks...

and NOW.. As I'm about to hit my 37th birthday, I'm realizing that it just isn't MY TIME. I have got to find out who the hell I am.. I miss the true "FRIENDSHIP" that boyfriend and I used to have.. it was so great.. I miss being friends with him and not having all that relationship crap in the way to make it turn so pukey...

I have to close the book on this and try to move on..

My children will be here soon and at least I can be focused on them for the next 3 months...

So here I am... a very fucked up individual.. wishing there was a manual I could go by to live my life right... hmmm.. something just came to mind.. "Denise.. remember the bible?"