a simple hello...

I can't believe so many days have went by without me writing on here...

In all actuality, I have nothing exciting to write about...

I could mention the progress between "beloved" and I but it is in a state of affairs that right now I need to keep to myself. I will say for the record, that sometimes the things we want in life doesn't come to us right when we think it should and that God's answer to our prayers isn't always YES...

I faxed a resume to Georgia...

I called back to confirm that they received it and they said they had it and would be reviewing it asap... I guess we'll see on that one...

Wow, my life is pretty boring isn't it...

I always read "But enough about you" blog and wish my life was half as exciting as his...

Hell, I wish it was exciting as most of the blogs on here... I mean let's face it folks, it's Saturday night at almost midnight and all I can say that I did this weekend is go out to dinner with my landlord... GOD HOW PATHETIC!

I said that I wanted to keep what's going on between "beloved" and I to myself for now but that isn't entirely true...

This is my diary and right now I need to vent about how things just don't seem to be coming along in my favor...

GOD DANG!!! it's killing me that I AM NOT GETTING MY WAY WITH HIM...

My temper tantrums aren't met with the right feedback from him and it is driving me completely insane...

I don't know if he just doesn't give a shit enough to fight for me, or else he does and it's his own inner demons telling himself that he may as well suck it up and accept that IT JUST ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN WITH US...

I can't help but think that maybe in his mind he is saying "Face it dude, You aren't good enough for her" (but you are) and he goes into shutdown mode and won't reach out to me at all. Maybe he plainly has gotten to a point of FUCK THIS BITCH and her LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED RIGHT FUCKING NOW.. IN HER TIME AND ONLY HER TIME attitude...

In my defense, it's always been something or other that has kept us apart and I swear looking back on all the times I've set up to be with him, it's always been him that made it fall through... The times I've been filled with such disappointment to the point of saying I DO NOT DESERVE THIS... I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS.. and I do good for a little while, but then either out of desperation or whatever, I go back for more...

WHY? I DO NOT KNOW... I just strongly believe that I am so fierce in my belief that people are put together for a reason and I'll be damned if I am not going to follow it all the way until it disintegrates in front of me...

When I see it totally and completely without a doubt in NO HOPE OF EVER BEING REPAIRED, then and only then will I say.. Ok this truly is OVER...

I guess what my ex said about me wanting to beat a dead horse to death is true...or however that saying goes...

Anyway as far as "beloved" and I are concerned, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS OVER BEFORE IT EVEN GOT STARTED and I am going to do anything and everything I can until this comes out with light shed on me that I wasn't the bad guy in this...

He is going to have to be the one to come right out and tell me.. "Denise, I think this has come to the point of being completely done and over with" and until then, I'm going to give it all I have in me...

In other news,

I received not one, but two phone calls within the last months from an estranged spouse of one of the guys I went out with... Remember uhhh I forgot what I called him, but it was the funny sexual escapade that I wrote about where he had a tiny penis... (yeah I know.. sounds so terrible even coming from me when I write it)

Well, she calls me the first time because he had obviously told her that we had went out but that it was just a date and nothing at all happened... MMMHMMMM.. ya lying bastard... so I told her what happened in a very short phone call, and I thought that would be that...

NOPE, she calls me tonight needing more information... Now just like I said in an earlier post, I'm all for babies, well, I'm all for Marriages too...

If you and your spouse is separated or whatever, and there is any way in hell that you might be able to work it out, you damned well better try because just like in Carly Simon's song, If you don't want him/her, it won't take long and someone else will have them and I stated this several times to her that I didn't want to be the cause of any animosity between them and I hoped they were going to be able to work it out...

Ok so nothing I've written tonight was much worth reading but then again what ever is unless it deals directly with YOUR LIFE... so there it is for now..

To my precious baby girl Sara, I cannot believe you are 10 years old... You grew up in the blink of an eye... I love you my beautiful Angel, Happy Birthday!

God's Sincere Peace To You!