HIM HIM HIM...

I go for so long, I don't think about him, then I hear his voice and... ok let me just show ya an example.

For business reasons, we are in contact once a month to make a transaction and usually we don't even talk, just pass texts back and forth but now that he has turned his phone into a private number which I'm guessing was to get all these crazy women from his past out of his world, so now I guess we have to talk voice to voice because he can't send a text to me anonymously.

Just when I think he is the most sadistic person I have ever met in my life, he sends a voice mail with that friendly sexy tone and I'm taken back to a time when he was so important to me and I would have done anything just to be in his presence. I hate myself for it because I know that this is a play on my emotions so I won't turn into super bitch and carve him a new asshole.

Last night we talked a while and it was so nice to be actual friends with one another and not so cold and indifferent. Now today I'm thinking bad thoughts because he knows he is in a corner and he is trying to use kind words and memories of us to make the situation turn in his favor. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Regardless of the fact that I still am very much in love with him, and regardless of the fact that if he snapped his fingers I would be at his side. Anyway I don't want to talk anymore about it today.

I received word that Young Studly felt that I just "wasn't his type"... Well, at least he could have had the balls just to say so instead of dragging me across town after repairing his flat tire to a restaurant to make small talk. Waste of time, he should have took me back to my car right after he got his tire fixed...

I guess my question for today is...
WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT I'M NOT REGARDED IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ANY MAN TO WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME?

I asked my ex that question last night and he said that I shouldn't take it personally and that I just haven't met the right one. What really is pathetic, is that I value how enriched my life is by if there is a man in it.

Why should being happy and enjoying life be dependent on whether there is a man involved?

Jeez, I talk to a lot of women who do the same exact thing. It's like.. Oh I am not going to exist merrily or even more than half-heartedly because I--- (shit... the phone just rang.. it was him... aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh all thoughts astray... WAAAAAAAAAAA I still love him...)

Ok back to what I was saying... oh wait... have I ever told you about his cute dimples.. or his... SHIT SHIT SHIT DENISE GET OFF OF IT.. HE IS BADDDDDDDDDD BAD NEWS....anyway HERE:

TO ALL THE WOMEN INCLUDING MYSELF WHO JUDGE THEIR LIVES IN LEVELS OF HAPPINESS DEPENDING ON THE MEN THAT ARE IN IT... FUCK THAT!! WE HAVE TO LOVE OURSELVES NO MATTER WHO IS SHARING IN OUR LIVES.. WE ARE STRONG WOMEN WHO NEED TO CREATE DEEP FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER WOMEN BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WILL ULTIMATELY BE OUR ROCK AND OUR FOUNDATION OF STEADFASTNESS. THE BONDS THAT WE CREATE WITH OTHER WOMEN WHO ARE OUR BEST FRIENDS ARE THE ONES THAT WILL BE THERE LONG AFTER THE MAN HAS LEFT US ALONE TRYING TO FEND FOR OURSELVES. hahah a little voice just popped in my brain with "HIS" head on it giggling saying comically, "Yesss.. but what about when you need some dick""" hahahha i hate him but he is funny as hell!

ok ok... i'm going ...

God's Peace to you all!