What keeps you in place?

Lately I have been wondering why I am still planted here in South Carolina and whether or not I should relocate somewhere else. I moved here when I got married to raise my family but I don't have any family ties holding me here any longer and my job isn't one that would be especially hard to do in another state.

The biggest factor is that my children live 9 months out of the year in Texas. It's not that I don't want to be with them, God knows I do. I miss them terribly and feel like I am missing so much by not being there on a daily basis during these crucial years. But the idea of bringing them back here and putting them in South Carolina schools is out of the question.

Yet the idea of just picking up and leaving this place that has been my home for over 10 years intimidates me. I thought of moving back to my hometown of Savannah but it is so overcrowded and though my immediate family still resides there, I do not see myself living there again.

So then the reasonable place would be Texas! Maybe I can find a suitable mate, maybe it will be fantastic, but the main reason is because I would be able to be with my children everyday.

I asked my little girl yesterday to talk to me about the idea of me moving down there and she sincerely stated that "She liked it just like it was".

When I asked what she meant she said, "Well, when I come home for the summer it is brand new and all my old friends are there." "Then when I come back to Dad's, my school and my friends are here".

I guess with so many extra curricular activities, her social life, and school, my Sara isn't sitting around wondering why I can't be there with her 24/7. She and my son aren't walking around gloomy and down-trodden because I'm not there. Damn, that is sad!

I guess with this "the world revolves around me" mentality I figured they should have been ok for a little while but then eventually they were to get to a point of not being able to live without me. Not so I guess.

My son Keith, perhaps because he's a boy is very anxious about coming home for the summer. He hates the heavy restrictions that his school has and is ready to romp and ramp around our neighborhood here in SC. So to sum it all up, it's me that isn't well adjusted. They are doing great.

I guess I should mention a little about "him". I sent a couple of text messages recently that were very vulnerable in nature to which of course he didn't respond and I can't say I blame him. The day after I sent the messages, I had this funny feeling that he had had enough of my drunken phone calls, and inappropriate text messaging and had changed his number. So I dialed it and indeed the phone kept giving a busy signal all throughout the day which surely meant he had disconnected or something. I panicked all day long. (I know... believe me I know how awful that sounds.)

Luckily I tried the next day and it was back to normal. THANK GOD.. I know it is bad to read the desperation in my words, but maybe I should explain about this situation. Though I have been married and have children, This with "him" is the ultimate challenge of the chase. Not only that, but this man was the fatherly type that I had never had and I felt safe with.

I was his "little girl" and not to sound like I am into incest or anything of that sort, but when you have someone in your head that makes you feel safe and wanted, it is a nice grounded feeling.

So even though this is my fantasy in my mind and I no longer am in his thoughts, he still never leaves mine.

One friend told me that as soon as I get someone fantastic in my life that I'll forget all about him. Well, potentials have walked into my life and stayed a while and I like them, but there is no comparison.

What if I don't ever view the potentials as important because I am so focused on him. Then that someone that was available to give me the emotionally sensitive love I so crave has vanished because I didn't devote to them. AGHHH it sucks.

Oh and get this I called a Therapist that specializes in Hypnotic therapy and asked them if they could erase a certain time in my memory so I could forget. They said "Not really". (Well you could in that movie with Jim Carey damnit!)

My mother always said "Memories are all we have."

So I guess for now, I will cuddle this memory a little while longer.