Oh lord I know I shouldn't do this but writing seems to be very therapeutic for me. Plus, writing here keeps me from embarrassing myself and emailing or calling him.. But, I miss "him" terribly for some reason more than I have in a while.
It might be because I am listening to some music that reminds me of him so much. I just can't help myself. I wish he would just lay the law down and give it to me straight that he never loved me because I swear on my children's life I really think he did at one time. NO I don't think. I KNOW HE DID...
My heart is acheing!!! (spell check please) I am a rational person and I know I should just pick myself up and go on forgetting about him.. But I swear to God.. I don't know how to let go.. I really think if he looked me in the eyes and told me he cares nothing about me, that he can go thru the rest of his life never seeing me or loving me again, that I probably could begin to close that door.
How do you stop feelings that are so intense from creeping into your mind? I keep trying to push it away.. I TRY SO HARD.. Everything about this is so unhealthy especially since he has moved on. But tell me this much, what if he is thinking of me too? What if he disquises it as he is so good at doing never allowing any kind of feelings to surface so he won't feel anything at all. This is killing me.
Just when I think no more tears can be shed over this.. more come.. I pray all the time that my heart can harden and grow bitter and cold where he is concerned. It doesn't happen. I just want to erase my memory so badly. I know it would be so wonderful if I could somehow get some sort of amnesia that makes me forget any memories that were ever created where he is concerned.
Ok Ok.. Just gotta keep telling myself.. HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, HE DOESN"T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT ALL!! i'm sorry for this post .. but it's my feelings of the moment....
No comments:
Post a Comment