Sue Me I'm still bored...

I'm continuing over to the next day of boredom... and though I only have half an hour of workday left, I thought I'd put something down because I'm pretty sure I won't have anything huge to write about over the weekend...

Not that this blog is worth reading...

Damnit Boy!!! Why Can't I be a fantastic at the edge of your seat writer...

One of the first Blogs I ever read was of this guy in Texas who had the best writing style I ever saw... He wrote about his life as I do and... anyway lemme see if I can find it and post the link...

I promise you will not be disappointed because even though he is no longer blogging, (I won't give the reason why because it would spoil it for you if you decide to go read him) He was magnificent... http://right-brained.blogspot.com

So Let's see... Yesterday I sent "married man" a little excerpt from my blog "Outlet for Insanity" because I thought he'd find my erotic dream amusing... I don't think he read it... Oh well...

I of course am obsessing over him and it's interrupting my sleep... I prayed so hard last night to just let me get him out of my head... I spent at least 2 hours reading the horror stories of wives who've been cheated on and in almost every scenario, the husbands were just looking to enhance their ego and basically make them feel like "they still had it"...

I read Husband's stories that said that when they cheated it was only for the thrill of it and even though some of them fell for the mistress, most of the relationships failed to last...

I think too much of "married man" to do that to him so the only way is NO CONTACT (because I am so weak) and plus I don't feel that he has thought that much into what we are or what we have going on to worry about his home and family... Yeah yeah I'm blubbering on but most of all, I just want to be free of this obsession...

The biggest thing I read was that one of the psychological rationales to this type of behavior of me wanting to be with married men is that it stems from my father and that subconsciously I see these men (who are much older than me) as father figures and I am in competition for their attention against the wives...

Isn't that very interesting and doesn't it make sense in relation to why I'm so fucked up?

Because I remember that with "Him", I was never more satisfied than when we were in a Daddy/Daughter type of role play... I HAD ALL THE ATTENTION AT THAT MOMENT and to me that made me SPECIAL...

The sexual things we talked about in a father daughter role were to me not sick and perverted... I mean to hear someone else act in that fashion sickens me but when I was caught up in it at the time it didn't...

I wonder why? I HAVE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT...

I know I was molested as a child by 2 much older boys I grew up with (biological family members) but could it go deeper than that?

I can't even begin to imagine that some type of father figure that I had in my life(Dear God don't let it have been my daddy) molested me too and I've blocked it out!

Was my awareness at an early age that sexuality and being sexual was an attention getter and that is why my personality is what it is today?

IT COULD DRIVE A PERSON INSANE TRYING TO DO SELF-ANALYSIS...

I guess I'll write more as I understand it... but today... I'm a good girl..

I haven't done any bad things... I haven't seen "married man" at all, he hasn't wrote an email, called, nothing... Which is why I feel down but I told him basically to leave me alone... What else is he to do?

Shit Shit Shit... I GOTTA GET OFF OF HIM....

Good weekend to you...

Denise