A brief Reprieve

It's only been a week that I haven't seen "married man" and yet when I saw him today my heart was very fluttery...

As I walked into work today we saw one another... He waved and I waved... I couldn't tell if he was smiling, I couldn't tell much at all because it was from a long distance that we saw one another... I know I was grinning from ear to ear...

The thing about my anger is that I don't know how to hang on to it for very long... Oh I will be mad as hell when something pisses me off, but it dissipates rather quickly... I'd like to think that I'm one of those people that when I get pissed off, I tell it like it is, I even raise the roof with my bitching, and I probably alot of times scream at the top of my lungs... But then within moments, I'm done and just want to move on to the next thing... So be as it was, a week had went by and though I was dissappointed that he had disregarded me as he had, I just let it go and waved and smiled and started my day...

The day before I had sent out a group email of some sort of joke, and he had received it so after not seeing him anymore this morning, I finally got a reply from that joke I had sent where he said,

"Good one, How's the kids?"... I wrote back,

"Hey There, You are one busy bee, I've thought about you out in the field in this "hot as hell" weather and hope you are doing good... The kids are great and loving their Karate Camp... It made my heart pitter patter to see you this morning, I didn't realize how much I miss you"... (yeah I know.. too sappy)

He wrote back, "I saw the pictures of the kids, you have beautiful children. I miss you too, it's been over a week now"...

He asked in a later email if I was coming to visit him in his office and if it was too much to ask... I was a little confused on the Too much to ask comment but wrote him back that I'd come see him in a while... So I did...(yeah I know and yeah I did)

I walk into his office, sit in my usual seat across from his desk... I'm all smiles, pretending that it had not even affected me that he'd not shown up at the gym or called me... When we finally got around to discussing why he didn't show up, he told me he'd written me an email to explain but I lied to him and told him I'd never received one... Anyway, I'm back in the same spot I was in before with the thrills of his attention... He knows he has me... It sucks because he has all the power...

All that man has to do is say jump and I ask How high... I HATE IT... but not enough to get myself away from him for good...

When I got to the gym today his car was there... he was on the weights as I went into the locker room to change... I came out and got on the bike... He did a few more machines and then came and got on the bike next to me... We talked a good deal... What he doesn't know is that the gym owner has told me when he was last in to work out.. Of course "married man" lied about his times in the gym this week... EX: The gym owner told me that he'd been in at 4pm yesterday and "married man" just happened to tell me without any prompting from me that he'd come at 5am yesterday... WHY LIE about that? I haven't called him on it... We did get alot of nitty gritty out of the way.. I basically told him to "put up or shutup" and that it was time to take this thing away from the office...

He told me that he hates to say much because on one hand, I take his talking as only "wanting to get in my pants" (true)... And also that I have a way of whatever he says, I come back in the next breath and flip it to be something negative...(also true)... God I hate that I do those things but I can't help myself... I try and bite my tongue but I can't...

After 5 miles on the bike and also because I think I made him angry with my interrogation, he left to the men's locker room to get his things... I grabbed my gymbag and hauled ass too...

As I was driving out of the parking lot I looked up to see him waving goodbye to me and I waved back... He also called me but I didn't catch it in time and he didn't leave a voice mail.. When I called him back a few minutes later, he didn't answer...

One of our talks was when he kind of asked me what it was that I wanted and I said "I want to go as far as we can without breaking up your family"... He replied that he understood that, but on the other hand it could still happen because nothing was foolproof... To me it meant he hasn't really thought this through and now that I'm coming at him like this with so much aggression, he's tucking his tail between his legs and running for the hills..

Hell can you blame him? I surely cannot... I'd run like hell from someone like me too... He also said that I constantly try to trip him up and trick him into admitting things to me that I feel like he has done wrong and that there isn't anything and that I need to get it through my head and stop doing it... He's right.. I did that alot with "HIM"... I use reverse psychology and now my jig is up... I'm pretty much busted in that regard because he has me figured out...

Oh well, he aint all that anyway... I feel like writing him a letter and telling him exactly what I feel deep down about him... I mean on the surface I feel like I'm crazy in love with him... but logically thinking, I know I'm not and that I don't see myself in a relationship with a fat man who I think is lazy and who's wife probably does everything for him... I mean think about it folks... She probably cooks dinner, she does laundry... (oh did I tell you four kids?) He probably comes home and sacks out on the sofa... Does the minimum to keep her off his back... I told him today that I found him to be arrogant and cocky... but that he is a sweetheart but I know that he is totally set in his ways and probably doesn't have the emotional capability to "NEED ME" and that "I HAVE TO BE NEEDED"..

I asked on a scale of 1-5 how much he wanted me.. He said 5 but it's all physical that he speaks of... My lips, my eyes, my tits, my bush.. (yes he saw a peek when he pulled my shirt up and looked down my pants)... But IS IT THAT I'M CRAZY THAT I CAN SEE HIS MOTIVES IN PLAYING ME LIKE THIS? Let me hear from one man that this is not what it is, a GAME for him... He gets me in his office, he gets to put his hands on me, kiss me, all that shit so that he'll have a little something to go home and jack off to?... Let's be REAL for a moment... Let's call it what it is... He doesn't give a shit about me...

I want to be cared about, I want him to feel things in his heart, not in his dick... WHY IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK OF YOU MEN? I WANT EMOTIONAL SUSTANANCE... The priviledge of sticking your dick in me is when I get that emotional showering from them... That's when I give them the prize of my body to have as their own... Oh sure I give little bread crumbs along the way.. I allow them to touch my tits... my ass...then when you feed me back emotionally, I give a little more...

I guess that is where we stand now... He hasn't done anything to step up the emotional flow of things... so I haven't given anymore of the Pooty...

I can definitely say this is a first of IN YOUR FACE DENISE... Cause I guarandamnteey'all that he knows exactly what the hell he's doing...He might think he's slick as hell by not handing me the phone calls, the lovey dovey emails, No words of tomorrow as far as moving this into a relationship status... But I see right through his serpent ass...


The above was written by a woman in a mood of defiance and constant distrust of men... Shit... how long does this mood last? It's been 30 years...