Dear Journal

To catch up on past few days, I need to backtrack. When I had sent "him" a text asking if I could send mail to his PO Box, I received a reply later in the day saying, "Yes" and giving me the address once again. So a couple of days before "his" birthday I sent a card that was more like a comic book describing all of the reasons why I missed "him". Inside I enclosed a gift card to a restaurant. At the bottom I signed "Love, as always"..

So I must apologize for calling "him" all of the names that I did on my previous post when he didn't respond to my text and even though he was somewhat appreciative for the gift, upon his call to me to thank me, it was not much more of a conversation than that. It truly made a reality lightening rod strike me in the chest and showed me even more that "it truly is over".

That feeling that I had of "electricity" when I would hear his voice and the excitement I used to feel when I had thoughts of him are no longer present. I suppose the saying that "Time heals all wounds" must be correct. It's been 3 months since I last saw his face.. looked into his eyes.. Oh.. what eyes they are.. (Oh my GOD.. hahahaha!!!! my Keith just walked in here and glanced on this sentence while talking to me and immediately laughed and said.. Jeez Mom, you are wayyyy too dramatic.. well damn.. "he" does have nice eyes.. )

Remember "nice guy" I had mentioned? Well, we did officially meet finally and he is a nice guy, friendly and attractive, but.. (I know.. I always have a but) He mentioned sexual remarks to me several times. They weren't crude but I just don't understand why guys have to do this. It makes me feel disrespected. I just don't feel comfortable. I mean I'm a whore in the bed, but I guess a lady until they get me there. When we discussed it later, he politely stated that he could understand if it was high school but that we were grown ups and should be able to discuss sexual positions and the like easily. I swear if I hear that phrase.. "consenting adults" once more I'm going to scream.

I explained to him that I understand what he is saying but that in my mind, a lot of sexual comments only mean that the relationship is going to be based on sex.. and that is definitely not what I am seeking from men. Yes I intend to have sex with the person I become involved with, but not until I am ready and have established some sort of emotional feelings for that person.

Ok I know what you are thinking.. "She sure does seem to reiterate this message over and over in her writings"... I apologize for any repetition that my posts deliver.

On the homefront, the children have came to me saying that they are having a hard time deciding if they should return to Texas for the school year. (seems they have been discussing this amongst themselves lately) I didn't know it was such an issue until Sara came to me crying, a little after talking with her father on the telephone last night.

I told her to explain to me whatever it was she was feeling and we would discuss it and that my feelings would not be hurt at all. She said that she keeps thinking of her life in Texas and her life here and it is a very hard choice to make regarding what to do in the fall. I told her that her father and I only want to do what is right for them and that we wouldn't be upset in any way with whatever decision they made.

I guess I can kind of understand how this could tear at her. I mean first off, does it mean she is disregarding the other parent that she doesn't choose to live with? Does it make them feel like she doesn't care about them? I hate that they even have this weighing on their little minds.. Ahh.. The results of divorce..

I have noticed that they get bored easily here. They run around with about 5 other little kids in the neighborhood and when they aren't available, they usually come to me with the "I'm bored" statement and I don't know what to do. So I mentioned going to the movies and they are jumping at the idea.

So, with that, I'm signing off and heading to see something called "Sisterhood of the traveling pants".